I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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