I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
