he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
