Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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