I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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