I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
