It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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