there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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