Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize