Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
