Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
