the condom got lost in my hair
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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