My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
