The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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