Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize