My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
