she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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