I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
