i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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