Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
