I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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