Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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