I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
