There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
