you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
