I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The feeling are messing with the penis
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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