I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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