My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
