i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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