I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize