that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
