mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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