My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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