He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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