thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
whose parrot is this?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
