so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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