That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize