Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
