my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
