then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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