Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
