So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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