Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
