Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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