I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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