what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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