Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
