My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
