Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
