I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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