When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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