I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
