the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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