my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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