So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
