This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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